April 2018

Thursday, December 10, 2015

The Christmas Letter

In recent years, my dad has written an annual Christmas letter, but he doesn’t check his facts, so he tends to get a lot of grief from the family. I always look forward to seeing what he’s going to make up and how much grief he’s going to get. This year, I’ve suggested that he just make the whole thing up, and I’ve written my own letter as a model for him.

Dear friends,
It’s been a busy year! We don’t want to brag, but we do want to let you know how fabulous we are.
My partner Ann and I continue to thrive in Seattle, Despite my disabilities, I am playing running back for Seattle's new professional women's football team. (I want to be in The Seattle Times, and the likeliest way to be in this paper is to play football.) 
Ann is a cheerleader, and loves to do backflips from the top of a pyramid. She recently received the prestigious "Pom Pom of the Year Award." Perhaps you have seen her in American Cheerleader:  (Notice her in the photo that accompanies the article, “But I’m a Cheerleader.”)
In our spare time, we are working for Donald Trump’s presidential campaign. Our goal is to increase the number of lesbians voting for Donald Trump. Right now we’re at three, but we can’t share their names because of threats of humiliation.
In our neighborhood, we have been working hard to eliminate recycling. Late the night before trash pick up, we go around the neighborhood moving recycling into trash bins. We’ve had a few ugly run-ins with raccoons, but I think our campaign is beginning to take off.
Our 95 year old neighbor Annabella has been tutoring us in coding once a week. We will soon launch our own app: Free Taxis.
We hope you and yours are also working to change the world, this nation, and your neighborhood. Merry Christmas!

Mary (without Ann’s awareness)

1 comment:

  1. That's the best one I've ever read! As Miss Smisson would say, "Bravo! ###"


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